I spend countless hours each night, seemingly torturing myself, watching videos of Dan or videos about Dan. I’ve probably gone through more tissue boxes these last 10 months than I went through my whole span at college. I suppose it’s part of the grieving process…part of acceptance. Yet it never seems to get any easier. I still sometimes hope that, even though I’ve had many amazing experiences at the races I’ve gone to this year, I will wake up and Dan will still be alive. I don’t think I will ever be able to fully comprehend what happened that day, even though I am able to process it logically and intellectually. I don’t think that the events of October 16, 2011 will ever seem real to me. #MentionADateYouWillNeverForget has been trending on Twitter. I wish I could say that date would me something happy and special in my life - some kind of momentous occasion. For the foreseeable future, it’s not though. My mom made a dentist appointment the other day for October 16, 2012. Two months away. In two months’ time, maybe I will stop counting the months and start counting the years. Or maybe not. It took me several months to stop counting the weeks. But even if I stop counting the months, I’ll still think about Dan every day as I watch all the videos on YouTube that immortalize him. I’ll still think about him every night as I lie awake in bed, unable to sleep. I hope that one day I can go a day or two without thinking about Dan, but I will never forget him. And more than anything, I wish we could have him back.
Okay that is all. Maybe I’ll write an actual blog post when I’m less ridiculously over excited. Also, Tai went home tonight and I miss her :(
Teehee, so cute!!! After winning Pole for the 2010 Indianapolis 500, I believe.